An Itch for Poetry

Wrote this a while back and realized I never shared it. Enjoy.

I run you across my palm,

tracing the grooves

of an incomplete star.

You resist with a scripscripscrip.

but it doesn’t hurt. Those cells

are dead anyway.

Just like you.

It’s funny how the other

fingernails have been torn, bent, and

chewed without you.  Is it because

I forget you are there on the end of my hand

or because you are determined to live?

To be named “the little fingernail that grew”?

I should really cut you off

before I catch you on my belt loop

or stab someone with a friendly handshake.

Instead I rub you back and forth over my incisor.

It feels like a seesaw inside my mouth;

a steady back and forth.

I feel sleepy and suddenly remember

my mother.

How her long fingernails would graze

through the waves in my hair

while my head rested on her lap.

Will you run through the strands of

a child’s hair? Or sport Husker red

for a football game? Will you scoop up

an innocent drop of butter cream frosting?

Or will I cut your off tonight…with one single

Click.

Confessions From A College Tour Guide

I have been giving tours of the UNL campus for three years now. I have loved walking around campus and telling people from all over the country about UNL, but the time has come to move away from this job as I start student teaching this next semester. And truthfully I haven't loved every tour. As I take on my last 2-3 weeks of tours, I'd like to let it all out. This is the tell-all from a tour guide.

1. Yes, I always walk backwards. If you know me, you might be wondering how many times I've fallen doing this, but my first confession? I have never fallen walking backwards. The one and only time I have fallen on a tour was when I was walking forward up some stairs. Also, people tend to give a wide berth to people walking backwards around campus.

2. Stop asking me about the parties on campus. While movies and television make it sound like that is what college is all about, it isn't. Sure, you can go to parties as much as you want. College allows freedom. But that's not what I'm hired to talk about. And the parents that tell their stories don't help at all.

3. It's hard for me not to laugh when kids that tell me exactly what they are going to be doing in 10 years. Please don't hold on too tight or you might miss opportunities. Explore. Try new things.

4. Sometimes I feel more like a struggling comedian than a tour guide. Smile people! I am trying very hard to reach out to you and if I don't get any response, I don't know how to help you in your decision. I remember I used to be super embarrassed about how much my dad talked on tours, but now I love parents like that that help me to understand what the student likes to do or wants to know.

5. For those of you who are current students, yelling out of your windows as you drive by does not help me at all. I thank you for your efforts, but it just sounds obnoxious.

6. I hate suite style freshmen dorms. I'm sorry. I know they are really nice and big and less people per bathroom, but I can't tell you how many times tour groups have asked me, "Does anyone live here?" Truthfully, I'm not really sure.

7. You shouldn't judge any place by what it looks like in February. Seriously. I hate giving tours on 5 degree days when everything is dead and students look miserable. It's not the campus, it's the weather.

8. If you are making a decision where to go, go with your gut. I think UNL is awesome. I really do. I have tons of great things to tell you about it (and I will if you get me started) but it's not for everyone and I understand that. Don't decide based on statistics and percentages. Or because it's "different" or far away. Go because it feels right. Go because it feels like home.

The End of A Book

The first thing someone said to me today was "You look tired." Which basically means I looked terrible. This was probably because I stayed up too late trying to finish the book I was reading. I've done this a lot in my life, holding on to every bit of energy I can at 2:00 in the morning to find out what will happen next. It's exhilarating. But it's what comes immediately after that gives me that terrible morning-after look. The book is over. Whether you are content or mad at the author, smiling or crying, every book is the same. It ends. And then I have to stay up in bed for the next hour contemplating the life of the characters I might never hear from again.

I know this sounds depressing and I don't mean it to be that way. If it was that bad, I wouldn't read like a hundred books a year. Right now, though, I feel like one of the books of my own life is ending. A lot of people talk about the "chapters" of their lives, but I don't think my life is one big book. Rather, I think it is several books, a series if you will, with different settings, plots, and characters.

After high school, I started a new book. I closed that back cover and could never go back to reading it for the first time. I'm neither entirely glad that book is over and done with nor am I crying over the ending. Like with every book, I moved on, excited for the next one, but I can always go back and reread to refresh my memories or revisit characters of my past even years and years later.

This year, many of my friends graduate. I finish my last "real" classes and start actually teaching. I don't know where I'm going or where they're going. I'm very excited to start reading, but just like the book last night, I am at the moment that I must come to terms with an ending. I have met wonderful people in this book. I couldn't imagine a better cast of characters. Thank you to everyone who has made my last four years an incredible story.

Some Fantastic Stress Management

At 1:30 pm today, I hadn't started the paper. Not a single word. It was due in exactly four hours and I wasn't even sure what I was going to write about. I hadn't thought about it for even a moment. It was panic time.

I'm not very good with stress. It affects my sleep, social life, diet, and overall health. School has always been a major contributor to such stress and no matter how hard I work to spread out the workload or organize myself, around this time in the semester I end up super stressed out about life.

Today, though, I handled it better than I probably ever have. Leaving my class at 1:30, I headed to my room, completely nervous about the paper. About a block away from my apartment I suddenly turned left and headed to the Rec Center. Yep, you read that right. The Rec. With four hours to crank out a paper, I decide to not even work on it. Was I crazy? Did I just give up? I'm actually not sure what happened in that moment, but that left turn turned my whole day around.

In between each crunch on the ab machine, I took deep breaths until I lost most of the nervous energy. On the arm machines, I created a thesis statement in my head. While working triceps, I noted all the supporting materials I would need to gather when I got home. By the time I starting on the rowing machine, I was confident, actually whispering lines out loud and repeating good ideas so I wouldn't forget. Introduction. Row. Thesis. Row. Point about listening in the classroom. Row.

I walked out of that weight room straight to my desk at home, typed the entire paper and took an hour nap before heading to class. I'm completely serious. No sitting in front of my computer for an hour. No getting up and sitting back down 10 times. No lethargy. A workout, a paper, and a nap. Boom, boom, boom.

Sometime my mind just needs to slow down. You wouldn't jog in place all day and then run a marathon and I can't expect my mind to be running all day going nowhere either if I want it to perform well. I took some time, cleared my mind and then set it to specific training so it could execute a task. And was that paper written perfectly? Of course not. But you can't win them all. I'm just glad to finish the race today and keep my health in the process.