Yeah, I'm Picky.

     "You are the pickiest child," my mom said to me as I walked out of a yet another store without buying anything. I'm 28 years old and she's been saying this to me as long as I can remember. She's not alone. Friends from elementary school to now have bemoaned my pickiness. It's definitely not a trait that has attracted a lot of people into my life. However, it's also not something that I am in denial about or that I struggle to change. I know I'm picky. I fully accept that piece of myself. While I prefer the term "selective", I'm perfectly content being whichever synonym you want to use. I know what I want and I don't settle for less. 

    I knew I was picky from an early age. Food was the most obvious first indicator. It wasn't that I was selfish and wanted meals catered to me. I just knew what I didn't like and no matter how many times I was asked to "try it again", I knew it wouldn't change. I learned how to adapt. I scraped potatoes from the skin and picked out tomato chunks. If there might be onions in that casserole, I just won't use my teeth and then there's no chance for a crunch to ruin my entire meal. When it comes to salad, however, I have no tricks. I just politely decline. 

    Later, it was clothes. While my classmates all wore t-shirts and gym shorts each day, I knew what I wanted to wear and that wasn't it. I wore dresses and layered shirts and coordinated accessories. I didn't let the taunts or the whispers about my clothing change what I liked. I'm also picky about shows and movies. I remember going with my family to the theater and choosing to go to a different movie than they went to several times. I didn't need them sitting beside me to enjoy the movies I chose. I don't watch the shows that "everyone is watching" or those that win the most awards either. I just watch what I like. 

    I know some of you read this and think are labeling me as difficult or selfish or high-maintenance. I can understand that. Honestly, though, one my favorite things about myself has always been my steadfast sense of self. I don't rely on anyone to make decisions for me. I follow my heart and it has served me well. I have beliefs that aren't based on what my family or community or any news station tells me, but my own personal convictions. I'm not afraid to be different or "weird". At work, I'm not afraid to take what I learn and make it my own. Because I'm "picky", I have a very strong sense of who I am. Most days, I really like that person. 

    The most common time I am labeled as picky in recent years has been in terms of searching for a boyfriend. I have reflected upon this a lot. Am I judging people too harshly? Are my standards too high? While I might believe that in moments of weakness, I know that I am a loving, considerate, accepting person. That doesn't mean I have to let everyone in. If someone, whether it's a guy, a friend (new or old), or a family member, makes me feel insecure or bad about myself, I don't want that in my life. If someone talks at me and doesn't create space to listen, I don't want it. If someone is rude to a server (or anyone for that matter), I don't want to be part of that. I can compromise and adapt, but some things are like salads, and I just have to say, "No, thank you."

    I know myself well enough to know that when I do open myself up and let someone into my life, I will devote a big chunk of myself to that person. Currently, I spend nights worrying about friends. I send gifts "just because." I constantly think about how to make those I love feel less stressed or unhappy. I will spend hours listening to someone talk. That's the person I am. So if a guy isn't willing to think about what I want or need before their own desires, any relationship I might pursue would be one-sided and draining. Someone I worked with yesterday (yes I work on Saturdays) said, "I think women are always worried about being good enough for a man. They worry about their appearance and hold back their personalities to be accommodating. It took me a long time to start asking myself, 'Is he good enough for me?'" 

     So far, I haven't met a man that cared for me enough to put in the effort I deserve. I'm okay with the judgement and the lectures from my friends and family. They come from a good place from people that care. But I know my worth. So, yeah, I'm picky.

Walking Blindly Forward

Every time I go on a hike, I have a destination in mind. I follow a trail that I planned for and I work my way up to a peak. Sometimes the path is fun and beautiful. Sometimes I have to work really, really hard and I want to stop. Sometimes I end up altering my route. My life is like this path, full of variety, but also always having a direction in mind. Then, this year I looked ahead and the path was washed out. It suddenly got very dark and I had no idea where I was going. 

I think most of us are feeling that blind, directionless feeling. Over the past 8 months we've been waiting. Waiting for schools to reopen. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for election results. And being stopped in our tracks without a clear time table or answers, I admit at times I've been angry. I've been scared. And frustrated. And really, really sad. It's a difficult hike right now. 

We might not see the path, but I believe there's still one there. We'll never get back on the exact same hike again. It's washed out and I accept that. I believe however, that there is a lot of beauty still around us. I also believe the sun will come up again and we will find our footing as individuals and as a community again. Hope and faith are extremely important resources to hold onto. 

Another important factor on this difficult hike is to look for support around you. I think that the only way to get better/stronger/wiser is to surround yourself with people that believe in you. So, look around at your fellow hikers. Are they going to pull you up and cheer you on or just complain and make the hike more difficult? You can always take a different path from them, even if they are family. By holding onto the believers and the cheerleaders, your community with grow stronger together. Thank you to all my fellow hikers. I am thankful for your support every day. You know who you are. And don't be afraid to reach out your hand when you need help up the mountain.